So, I’ve been doing some traveling lately. I wanted to share some of my most recent exploits with you.
- 1. Jehovah’s Sandwich
I was getting ready to run some errands right before I went to the airport the other week. As I was locking the door, I saw two women approach from my left. They were white and full of smiles, so I was immediately on guard. As I walked to my car, one of them moved towards my front door, and the other one flanked me at the car. I was trapped. Then I heard, “Can we talk to you for a moment about your plans?” My plans for what? Did they really need to know that I was going to Target for some tampons? Cause those were the plans I had. Then, I saw The Watchtower peeking out of their purses. It was a Jehovah’s Witness Sandwich, and I was the militant meat in the middle. (that sounds awful, and far more sexual than the event actually was)
One of the dumb things about me is, if you catch me on the right moment, I pretty much agree to anything. They caught me, unknowingly, at such a moment. So we chatted. I talked to them about me learning Haitian in the Fall, we talked about Bible Study, they invited me to a thing, they gave me their phone numbers, we talked about their shoes. Hell, I even offered them some water. I did not ask if their religion hates the Blacks, or the gays, or the Black gays. I was super well behaved. Then they left.
I went to buy my tampons, and B.L came home. As I was making us lunch, she heard a knock at the door. She went to open it, and I heard the voice of one of the witnesses. I heard her ask, “Oh, are you Heartland’s roommate?” B.L was like “Nope. I’m her partner. Her lesbian partner. Who has sex with her. Lesbian.”
So, not getting any good person points for that interaction.
2. The Sandwich, Part II
As I got on the plane, I had an aisle seat. In the window seat, was a Catholic Priest. In the seat on the other side, was a Baptist minster who was reading a book, “How to Keep Them”. It was some book teaching them how to keep their students from “straying” when they go to college and get all book smart and shit. The priest wanted to be all chatty, as he saw me cross myself and pray before the plane took off. (Hey, better safe than sorry). I told him I wasn’t Catholic, but went to Catholic school as a kid, and some things kinda stuck. (Shock and awe: apparently I was a little hellion in Catholic School.) Then the Baptist jumped in and asked if I got to church. When I told him that me and Jesus were cool, but I can’t stand His fan club. And then the flood gates of dueling Bibles began. So I just tried to be cool, and read my Curve mag in piece. Seriously. What is with the extra helpings of self righteousness?
3. The Puffer Fish
This is on the flight home to see my family. I once again have an aisle seat, because fuck being pressed between some dude’s sharp ass elbows and outer thigh meat and a greasy window. As I’m sitting, waiting for the take off, this swole ass dude comes and stands in front of me. He looks at me, looks at the window seat, which is obviously his, and asks, “Aren’t you going to scoot over?”
Hell. No.
I look up at him, implying he needs to take his seat in more ways than one. Apparently he doesn’t understand side eye, and is like, “Aren’t you going to let me have the window?”
….
So I look up at him, with my best, “shut the fuck up asshole” face and told him “No. Not just no, but hell no. If your little ticket says window, which it clearly does, you might just want to squeeze by me and take a seat. If we need to press the little stewardess button to make that happen, by all means, press away.” The nerve of these people. Just because he has 100 pounds on me, no neck, and a penis does not mean God has ordained him to have whatever seat he feels like. Especially when I paid my nonexistent graduate school dollars for an aisle.
So he screws his face up all mean and squeezes in. Cause its not like I’m getting up to let him in. Then this asshat puffs up like he’s some sort of deep sea pufferfish and tries to take up both arm rests and my feet room.
So I repeate, “Do we need to press this little button? Do we? We can press the fuck out of this button right now.”
The guy behind me thinks this is hilarious, and offers to trade the guy seats. So everyone wins. I sit next to this funny, queer student from D.C. The puffer fish gets to do whatever the hell it is he had to do.
4. A Little Lady Like Me
Last plane related story, I promise. So on the way back to Kansas, I sit next to this athlete. He does the sport B.L studies so I gave him a business card, and told him to contact me for my “friend” who does research on the sport. He was more interested in looking at my left hand. After a few minutes of small talk, he said: “So, you aren’t married?”
“Nooooope.”
“Recently divorced?”
“Um, not really. No. Never married.”
He was shocked. Shocked I say. And then said, “You must not live in Texas. A little lady like you would not be single for long. Surprised you haven’t been snapped up by now.”
A little lady like me.
He then proceeded to tell me how fast he was in his race, and how strong he was, and how mighty his sperm was, (not really, but hell, that’s what he was going for) and blah blah blah.
I wanted to be like LESBIAN! But I didn’t, for the sake of B.L’s research.
He has contacted me to see if I want to go for drinks while he’s in Kansas City. A little lady like me says no. My heart says no.
Also, BL met my parents, but that is another blog post for another day. Heartland Out!
Heartland Femme 