There’s been some changes.
First of all, I apparently don’t need glasses. After 2 weeks of being afraid that I had eye lupus and that my left eye ball was going to fall out of my face, I finally got it together and got my vision checked. The excessive comps reading and all of the other things would have logically taken a toll on my vision and what not. But apparently, nope! Somehow my vision magically got better, and the reason I couldn’t see for crap was my glasses were making my vision worse.
I’m gonna go ahead and call shenanigans. First of all, eyes don’t “magically” get better, especially after comps and the unfortunate eye patch incident of 2012. For those of you just now joining in, over the summer, I was reading and something got lodged in my eye from out of nowhere. I spent the next twenty minutes screaming and trying to wash out my eye first with water, then with some hippy- witch hazel-organic eye dropper- eye drops that B.L bought when she had allergies, then finally with contact solution. When that didn’t work, between lamentations and wailing, I asked B.L to take me to the emergency room. Half an hour later, we went.
I’m not going to lay any blame, but B.L didn’t believe me when I said something was wrong with my eye and I ended up in an eye patch for 2 days. Months before this happened, I kept asking her if she would still love me if I had to have an eye patch. Thank God I got that down official, because I had to wear an eye patch for 2 days because SOMEONE (B.L) had to make a snack before taking me to the emergency room to get a shard of something sharp out of my eyeball. In her defense, she was apparently so, so hungry. Her organs were not going to make the drive until she had a pita and some hummus. (She is making me type that she had just gotten done running 10 miles and that her organs were hungry. Too hungry to acknowledge my eye, which was in a state of ruin the likes which you have never seen. Tales are told of its suffering.) (B.L is reminding me that she thought I would “get the thing” out of my eye, it’s not that she was making light of my immense suffering and unknowable pain.) (She says, “I BELIEVED YOU. YOU MAKE ME SOUND AWFUL!)
But apparently, the eye doctor told me that my vision is fine, and I’m only the tiniest bit of near-sighted and I don’t really need glasses for it. My feelings are mixed. On one hand, my face feels naked, and I’m a bit terrified now that all the stuff that made my glasses filthy is now moving directly on to my eyeball. And that’s a problem. On the other hand, I now can wear fake, drag queen worthy eyelashes pretty much every day of my life from now on. I have some ready to go for my prospectus defense this week. So that is exciting. I also get to up my eye shadow game something fierce. (Luckily, I learned how to glue down my eyebrows and paint over them. I’m gonna give my students some arched eyebrow realness tomorrow. They are not even close to ready.)
So yeah, no glasses.
Also, I bought a two-piece swimsuit for the second time in my life. The first time I wore a two-piece was circa 1986. There is a picture of me and my sister in the front yard of our old house. I’m wearing the cutest little swimsuit with ruffles on the bottom; I’m also wearing a swimcap that makes my head look like an alien. I miss the good old days where my mom would deep condition my hair, put a plastic bag over that, and then put the swim cap over that. Inevitably, the swim cap would pull up a little, giving my 3 year old face a face-lift and giving me alien head. But the suit was cute. That is all that matters.
I own one now for two reasons: The first is, B.L has been trying to get me to pose for the fatikini tumblr for quite some time. At first, when she was like, “Hey baby, I need you to put on a bikini so I can take a picture of you and sent it to the fatkini website” she was about to get cursed out smooth and slow. I mean, I’m know I’m juicy and all (B.L’s new favourite term from watching this season of drag race) and I happen to like the fact that I can see my butt from my peripheral vision. But the way she said FATkini, was about to get her a one way trip ticket to the couch by the drafty window. But then I looked at the tumblr, and saw how awesome it was, and am considering putting a picture up. So there’s that.
And then, modcloth had a sale on a bikini I had my eye on. And I got some good old fashioned fat-shaming from some people I know. Nothing gets me motivated to do some
-ish like someone telling me I can’t. And telling me I’m too big to put myself in a two-piece? I will shove, slide, and push every ounce of my body into whatever I damn well please. I test drive my fatkini around my house on the regular.
When I first opened the box, there was a bit of my own fear and trembling. After a few minutes of pep talks by B.L, I put it on and wore it around the house as a practice run. Now, I wear it sometimes around with red, almond toe heels, cat-eye sunglasses, and my black beach hat. Say something about it. Ya’ll cannot wait till swimsuit season to see all of the fatkini goodness.
Without my glasses.
Heartland Femme 